I've got 4 gaming projects to work on, 2 of which came in yesterday. They're each small, but there's the extra work of prioritization and setting expectations to worry about. And work keeps me going flat out during the day as we push to the next rollout deadline, so I can't steal a few minutes and scribble something on paper. Today I had to pick up some slack at church from someone who didn't follow through on what they said they'd take care of. I could feel the waters rising, and I just wanted to run away.
Y'know what? Suck it up, my precious little snowflake. Sometimes things suck. Sometimes it takes more effort than it should to do something easy. Sometimes everything hits all at once. That's life. Go with it. Get back in the saddle before you waste another breath on worrying about the entire world of problems in front of you.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Get to it.
Do or do not; there is no wanking.
(Master Yoda, I apologize.)
(Warning: Personal navelgazing ahead!)
I've always struggled with follow-through. My default reaction? Escape.
Why? Moving back and forth between my parents and travelling cross-country with my grandparents every summer didn't let me put down too many roots when I was younger. I started to think that consequences didn't apply to me - I could screw up royally, then just move and start with a clean slate next year. I could live in a perpetual grace period by continually being the new kid. I could abandon anything that got "too challenging" and it wouldn't matter. Apparently children of alcoholics tend to have trouble finishing things, so I've got that working for me as well.
I constantly struggle against the "Don't finish? Don't care." mentality. I find it's limiting me to work with things I find easy and not stretch myself into uncomfortable territory. I find it lengthens my list of open projects and subtly prevents me from finishing any of them. I find it's self-defeating and extremely frustrating.
That mentality is a part of me - it's not an "it", it's another facet of "me".
So let me rephrase: I limit myself. I don't let myself finish. I have a hard time not beating myself up every time I catch myself slipping down this particular spiral. I understand what's happening mentally, but emotionally I feel like I'm betraying myself.
Enough. Time to act.
Let's check some things off my list and make some space to think, shall we?