Edition War Riots Leave 11 Wounded in Seattle

July 3, 2014
SEATTLE, WA

After years of simmering in internet forums across the globe, Edition War Riots broke out in earnest early today, leaving 11 gamers wounded in Seattle. Tensions are still running high, though most of the hostilities have ceased for the time being.

Sometimes min-maxing
requires dismantling.

The riots began with words and gestures expressing various opinions about today's release of D&D Basic, but graduated to thrown dice almost immediately. Tensions escalated when a bearded man wielding a Pathfinder Core Rulebook went down with 2d8 damage to the eyes. His allies called in d20 Modern troops armed with automatic weapons, but AD&D adventurers freshly returned from the Barrier Peaks quickly cleared the streets with dazzling light beams shot from several powerful alien artifacts.

Soon after hostilities broke out, the B/X contingent, their OSR allies, and hirelings from both groups secured Pike Place Market and fortified it against attacks from both 4e and the newly-minted Next forces. One woman behind the barricades, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity said, "Let 'em fight. We're not going anywhere. We've been here for years, and tonight we'll eat like royalty."

Elsewhere in the city, 3.5e builders have started deconstructing the Space Needle in an attempt to, in the words of one system faithful, "Optimize it for better efficiency." Their rebuilding efforts have spread to both the Pacific Science Center and the Seattle Children's Museum. Residents and non-gamers are advised to steer clear of Seattle Center until reconstruction is complete.

Property damage is estimated in the millions, even before considering the dismantling of the Space Needle and its value as a cultural landmark. Public safety personnel will be working overtime this afternoon and evening to clear at least 100,000d4 from the streets. Some traps have been found and disarmed, and at this hour the streets seem almost deserted. We will provide further reports as the situation develops.

The latest edition of the Basic Rules for Dungeons & Dragons is currently available as a free download from Wizards of the Coast.